Mommy mental pictures

They say that memories are formed because of emotion. And while there are some memories I wonder what on earth kind of emotion had my brain hold onto that memory, most of the time the emotion is easily pinpointed. But I wish we could force memories to stick. As a parent, that is one of my greatest wishes. My wish is that I could pick moments that I know they will remember forever. Well, for that matter, my wish is that I will remember forever too.

I am a photographer, and I think I do a pretty decent job of capturing and documenting my kids childhood and our lives together. But there are simply things you can't photograph, moments that you don't want to ruin by running away to grab the camera, moments that are simply live emotion that wouldn't translate to picture form anyway.

It reminds me of the episode of The Office when Jim and Pam are getting married and they are told to take mental pictures (holding an invisible camera and dramatically clicking away) throughout the wedding festivities. I often find myself doing that (without the actual hand gesturing...well, most of the time), taking mommy mental pictures. And while I try my best to remember them and hold on to them as my children grow so as not to lose their littleness and forget those sweet moments, I wish I could do it in their memories as well.

Having very small children (4 ages 6 and under), I often think about what their first memories will be. There are so few things that most of us as adults remember from our early childhood. I don't particularly like most of my early childhood memories. And there are so many things that I WISH I could remember from childhood, things I see in pictures and wonder what it actually felt like and why I don't remember it.

I don't want my kids first few memories to be getting in trouble or being put in time out or when I've had one-of-those-days and lose my cool toward them. I don't want them to remember when I can't take the time to stop what I'm doing to help them or play with them. I don't want the words from my mouth that stick the most to be “in a minute” or “tomorrow we can” or to be quiet while the baby sleeps.

I want Jude to remember the nerf gun wars across the living room. The time he grabbed my hand to hold it just because. The kisses that his sweet little heart loves to give and that I adore getting. The games we sit and play (not video games but those real games called board games!).

I want Rhema to remember the way she takes a shower with me so she can wash her hair like a big girl and pretend to shave her legs. The way I take the time to carefully blow her hair dry so it looks “so pretty” like we did this morning. The soft caresses against my cheek and hair that she gives me when I sometimes lay next to her until she falls asleep for her nap. The way I paint her nails and let her (sometimes) paint mine in return.

The books (theirs and mine) that I read to all of them. The way we play rhyming game and I spy and what-starts-with games at the lunch table. The way I let them sit in my lap whenever they ask because I know there will come a day when they don't even think of it anymore.

Because those are the things that I'll remember.